A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!”

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.

One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, “Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!”

• Leave a comment... (0)

The teacher says, “Okay, class, we’re going to play a game today. I want everyone to give me a sentence with the word ‘perhaps’ in it.”

Claude says, “Perhaps if we are good, the teacher won’t give us any homework.”

The teacher says, “Very good, Claude.”

Mary says, “The sky is very dark… perhaps it’s going to rain.” The teacher says, “Very good, Mary.”

She calls on Little Johnny in the back.

Johnny says, “Yesterday, when I got home from school, my sister and her music teacher both had their pants down to their ankles. Perhaps they were gonna pee on the piano.”

• Leave a comment... (0)

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys’ dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!” His father says, “Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys’ balloons and she’s screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!”

• Leave a comment... (0)

Little Johnny once asked his teacher “Do hearts have legs?.”

The teacher answered “Why do you ask that?”

Johnny replied “Yesterday, I heard my dad say sweetheart open your legs.”

• Leave a comment... (0)

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around
and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.

After a while, a beggar came up to her and said,
“Hello, luv, how’s about us going for a walk together?”

“How dare you,” retorted the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”

Well then,” said the tramp, “what are you doing in my bed?”

• Leave a comment... (0)

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.
“Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?” “To kill my husband.”
“I can’t sell you arsenic to kill a person!”
The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.
The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist’s wife.
He takes the photo, and nods. “I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”

• Leave a comment... (0)

The teacher wrote on the blackboard,

“I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Amber,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend.” Amber replied.

• Leave a comment... (0)

Teacher to a student: “Can you think of a solution to end unemployment?”

“Yes, sir! I’d put all the men on one island and the women on another.”

“And what would they be doing then?”

“Building boats!”

• Leave a comment... (0)

There’s this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying.

The truck driver says: “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t see a man crying.”

“No, it’s not that.

Today is the worst day of my life.

First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing.

I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.

I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener.

I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,
you show up and drink my poison …”

• Leave a comment... (0)

SICKNESS
We will no longer accept your doctors’ statements as proof.
We believe if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to work.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR SURGERY
We are no longer allowing this practice. As long as you are employed here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for. Anyone having operations will be FIRED immediately.

PREGNANCY
In the event of extreme pregnancy, you will be allowed to go to the first aid room when the pains are FIVE MINUTES apart. If it is false labor, you will have to take an hour’s leave without pay.

DEATH
This will be accepted as an excuse, BUT we would like two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone your job prior to . . . or after death.

This new benefit program started yesterday.
The Management

• Leave a comment... (0)